Kids running their mouths and getting ape crazy on you? Here’s the drug-free, new and old, tried and true method of curring Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD or ADHD). Back in the day, we’d get out of line, get swatted, then stop getting out of line. For a while, at least.
Former President Clinton is jogging slowly down the street one day, and he sees a little girl giving away puppies that her dog just had.
Eager for a rest, he walks over the girl and says, “Hi there, little girl. I see you’re giving away puppies and think it’s great that you’re doing such a good thing.”
The little girl says, “Thank you, Mister Clinton. Would you like a puppy? They’re Democrats.”
Slick Willy declines the offer and jogs on down the road. The next day he again jogs past the same girl and decides to stop and talk to her again. “You know what, little girl? I think I’ll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they’re Democrats.”
The girl says, “I’m sorry Mister Clinton, but they’re not Democrats any more. They’re Republicans now.”
Now a bit miffed, Clinton says, “They are? How do you know they’re Republicans? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats to begin with?”
The little girl looked up at him sheepishly and said, “Well, sir, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open.”
On the one hand this Free Hugs video is pathetic, but on the other hand it’s touching. Ha ha ha. Touching. Good way to get punched in the mouth… I mean, eventually.
An devout atheist is exploring the deepest wilds of the Amazon and suddenly finds himself surrounded by an obviously bloodthirsty crowd of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he mutters to himself “Oh God, I’m screwed…”
Suddenly, a blinding beam of light from heaven breaks through the rain-forest canopy and a majestic voice booms, “No, you are _not_ screwed. Pick up the stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing right in front of you.”
The explorer picks up the stone and bashes the living heck out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by dozens of shocked natives, he hears God’s voice again, “Okay, _now_ you’re screwed.”
A buxom young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. After spying a pair on a lady in a small town, she wanted her own genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was reluctant to pay the high prices local vendors were asking. After becoming frustrated with one of the shopkeeper’s no-haggle attitude, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”
The shopkeeper replied, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!”
Now more determined than ever, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, dead set on catching herself an alligator.
Later that day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the same woman standing waist deep in the water, twelve-gauge pump shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge nine-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She casually took aim, blasted the creature, and — with a great deal of effort — hauled it onto the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more dead gators.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator onto its back. Glancing at the underside of the still-smoking gator, she shouts, “Blast it! this one isn’t wearing shoes either!”
