What is on Martha Stewart’s holiday to do list? Well, according to my Inbox, this is what she was doing back in late 1996 and early 1997.

December 1 – Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray-paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

December 2 – Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3 – Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o’-nine-tails. Flog gardener.

December 4 – Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so that they’re all ready to be mailed the moment death occurs.

December 5 – Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6 – Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7 – Debug Windows 95.

December 10 – Finish needlepoint colostomy bag cozy.

December 11 – Buy some cockroaches from the less fortunate; decorate eggs.

December 12 – Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace with nitrogen.

December 13 – Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14 – Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15 – Replace air in minivan tires with Glade “Holiday Scents” in case tires are shot out at the mall.

December 17 – Childproof the Christmas tree with garlands of razor wire.

December 19 – Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20 – Dip sheep and cows in egg white and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21 – Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers.

December 22 – Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23 – Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24 – Do my annual good deed: Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last-minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25 – Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26 – Write and mail Christmas thank-yous. Order cards for next Christmas. Estimate number of cards needed by allowing for making new friends and actuarially appropriate death rates for current friends and relatives.

December 27 – Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 29 – Enter Style Invitational; win.

December 31 – New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

January 1, 1997 – Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 1997.

January 3 – Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

January 5 – Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

January 7 – Lay Fabergé egg.

January 8 – Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl’s shoe inserts into heat pump.

January 10 – Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years.

January 13 – Spin silk cord to garrote squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and hand-write staff their dismissal notes.

January 15 – MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.

January 16 – Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

January 20 – Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

January 21 – Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.

January 23 – Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

January 25 – Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of all the people you do not know.

January 26 – Review the Christmas ‘95 show and try to understand why Julia Child is much beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew.

January 28 – Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.

January 31 – Gild lilies.