The driver said, “No, no problem. Have at it, Mr. Graham.” Billy gets into the driver’s seat and they head off down the highway.

A few miles away sat a rookie state trooper operating his first speed trap, and the long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo. He got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver’s door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.

He told the supervisor, “I know we are supposed to enforce the law… but I also know that important people are sometimes given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.”

The supervisor asked, “Is it the governor?”

The young trooper said, “No, he’s more important than that.”

The supervisor said, “Oh, so it’s the president.”

The young trooper said, “No, he’s even more important than that.”

The supervisor finally asked, “Well then, who is it?”

The young trooper said, “I think it’s Jesus, because he’s got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!”

So they match the refrigerator and the oven.

Finally, they see General Rudolph walking by, and the woman calls him over to settle the dispute.

The general says it’s definitely rain, but the man doesn’t believe him.

Sighing, his wife tells him, “Dear, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

Why would she need one? There’s a clock on the stove.

The professor started the class by telling them, “In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.”

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

“Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life’s tough, it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.”

Well, the poor little guy starts crying.

“Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time,” the biker says. “I didn’t think you’d cry. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy between sobs. “I can’t do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison.”

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature.

Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking down at two spiders mating.

“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked. “They’re mating,” her father replied.

“What do you call the spider on top?” she asked. “That’s a Daddy Longlegs,” her father answered.

“So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?” the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, “No dear; both of them are Daddy Longlegs.”

The little girl—looking a little puzzled—thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying “Well, we’re not having any of that brokeback mountain crap in our garden.”

Brings a tear to your eye… doesn’t it?

Yeah! Babies everywhere!

When the grandson died, he left four children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great grandchildren, 10 great-great grandchildren, and a 50 X 80 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.