Yeah! Babies everywhere!

When the grandson died, he left four children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great grandchildren, 10 great-great grandchildren, and a 50 X 80 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

The pirate raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean? I feel fine.”

“Um, what about the wooden leg? As I recall, you didn’t have that last time you were here.”

The pirate nodded, “Oh, yeah. Well, we were in a raging battle at sea and a cannon blasted part of my leg off, but I’m fine now.”

“Well… alright, but still, you look awful. What about the hook — what happened to your hand?”

“As we boarded ship during another battle it was cut off in a wild sword fight. Afterwards I had it fitted with a hook, so I’m fine. Really.”

Still unsatisfied, the bartender motioned towards his patron’s face. “What about the eye patch?”

“Oh, that. One day we were at sea and it was a beautiful sunny day. A flock of gulls flew over. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye.”

After a moment, the bartender stammered, “Hold on. You can’t lose an eye just from bird crap.”

“Normally, not. But it was my first day with the hook.”

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements here with the ‘Three Kick Rule.’”

The lawyer sighed. “Okay, what is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”

The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on, back and forth until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot square in the lawyer’s groin, dropping him to his knees.

His second kick, this time in the gut, sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.”

“No,” he replied. “How could he, with just two worms?”

They all have something to say about government. Heed their warnings.

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. — Winston Churchill

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. — Winston Churchill

There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. — Mark Twain

If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. — Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress…. But then I repeat myself. — Mark Twain

No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. — Mark Twain

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. — Mark Twain

Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. — Ronald Reagan

The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. — Ronald Reagan

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. — George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. — G Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. — James Bovard, Civil Libertarian

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. — Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. — P.J. O’Rourke

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free! — P.J. O’Rourke

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. — Frederic Bastiat, French Economist

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. — Will Rogers

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. — Voltaire

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you! — Pericles

Talk is cheap…except when Congress does it. — Unknown

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. — Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. — Edward Langley, Artist

A government big enough to give you everything you want is strong enough to take everything you have. — Thomas Jefferson

Little Jason interrupted, “My mommy looked back once, while she was driving,” he announced triumphantly, “and she turned into a telephone pole!”

If you’re applying for a job, watch your beard. Make sure it doesn’t start thieving the interviewer’s Skittles. That’s bad.

I received this in email, and it was titled Idiot Sightings. However, as that’s not very charitable, let’s just call them Sightings, and you can decide how you want to characterize them.

I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a “large” enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, “Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.” I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, “NO, it’s not. Four is larger than two.” We haven’t used Sears repair since.

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.” From Kingman, KS

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg. Another from Kansas City, KS

My nephew jokingly asked a worker in the local Burger King if they accepted Hawaiian money. He said, “No, only American.” True story! Lynchburg, VA

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask” Happened in Birmingham, AL.

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?!” She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS.

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker - she was leaving the company due to “downsizing” Our manager commented cheerfully, “This is fun. We should do this more often.” Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs’ office no less.

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “its open! His reply, “I know - I already got that side.” This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS.