They all have something to say about government. Heed their warnings.

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. — Winston Churchill

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. — Winston Churchill

There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. — Mark Twain

If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. — Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress…. But then I repeat myself. — Mark Twain

No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. — Mark Twain

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. — Mark Twain

Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. — Ronald Reagan

The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. — Ronald Reagan

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. — George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. — G Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. — James Bovard, Civil Libertarian

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. — Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. — P.J. O’Rourke

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free! — P.J. O’Rourke

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. — Frederic Bastiat, French Economist

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. — Will Rogers

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. — Voltaire

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you! — Pericles

Talk is cheap…except when Congress does it. — Unknown

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. — Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. — Edward Langley, Artist

A government big enough to give you everything you want is strong enough to take everything you have. — Thomas Jefferson

“Forget the cake, go for the icing.” – Cynthia, Age 8

“Sleep in your clothes so you’ll be dressed in the morning.” – Stephanie, Age 8

“Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes.” – Carrol, Age 9

“Stay away from prunes.” – Randy, Age 9

“Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.” – Andrew, Age 9

“Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.” – Rocky, Age 9

“Don’t ever be too full for dessert.” – Kelly, Age 10

“Don’t flush the john when your dad’s in the shower.” – Lamar, Age 10

“Never do pranks at a police station.” – Sam, Age 10

“Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it’s moving.” – Rob, Age 10

“Never spit when on a roller coaster.” – Scott, Age 11

“Never bug a pregnant mom.” – Nicholas, Age 11

“Remember the two places you are always welcome-church and Grandma’s house.” – Joanne, Age 11

“Remember you’re never too old to hold your father’s hand.” – Molly, Age 11

“When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.” – Matthew, Age 12

“Never tell your little brother that you’re not going to do what your mom told you to do.” – Hank, Age 12

“Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.” – Joel, Age 12

“Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.” – Phillip, Age 13

“When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone.” – Alyesha, Age 13

“Never try to baptize a cat.” – Laura, Age 13

“Never tell your mom her diet’s not working.” – Michael, Age 14

“When your dad is mad and asks you, ‘Do I look stupid?’ don’t answer him.” – Heather, Age 16

• Coffee should be black as hell, strong as death, and sweet as love. – Turkish proverbs
• A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. – Paul Erdos, 1913-1996, mathematician
• A morning without coffee is like sleep. – Author Unknown
• Among the numerous luxuries of the table…coffee may be considered as one of the most valuable. It excites cheerfulness without intoxication; and the pleasing flow of spirits which it occasions…is never followed by sadness, languor or debility. – Benjamin Franklin
• Coffee comes in five descending stages: Coffee, Java, Jamoke, Joe, and Carbon Remover. -Oscar,Glory Road
• Coffee is a beverage that puts one to sleep when not drank. -Alphonse Allais
• Coffee isn’t my cup of tea – Samuel Goldwyn
• Coffee leads men to trifle away their time, scald their chops, and spend their money, all for a little base, black, thick, nasty, bitter, stinking nauseous puddle water. – The Women’s Petition Against Coffee, 1674
• Coffee makes us severe, and grave, and philosophical. – Jonathan Swift
• Decaffeinated coffee is kind of like kissing your sister. -Bob Irwin
• Given enough coffee, I could rule the world. – Author Unknown
• Good communication is just as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after. – Anne Morrow Lindbergh
• He was my cream, and I was his coffee – And when you poured us together, it was something. – Josephine Baker
• I believe humans get a lot done, not because we’re smart, but because we have thumbs so we can make coffee. -Flash Rosenberg
• I have measured out my life with coffee spoons – T.S. Eliot
• I like my coffee like I like my women- Black and Strong. – Paul Howell (2005)
• I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. – Steven Wright
• I think if I were a woman I’d wear coffee as a perfume. – John Van Druten
• If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. – Abraham Lincoln (1809 – 1865)
• Is it impossible to get a cup of coffee-flavoured coffee, anymore, in this country? What happened with the coffee? Did I miss a … meeting with the coffee, huh? You can get every other flavour except coffee-flavoured coffee! – Denis Leary
• Life is just one cup of coffee after another, and don’t look for anything else. – said to be Bertrand Russell’s last words
• No one can understand the truth until he drinks of coffee’s frothy goodness. – Sheik Abd al-Qadir
• Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. -Alex Levine
• The voodoo priest and all his powders were as nothing compared to espresso, cappuccino, and mocha, which are stronger than all the religions of the world combined, and perhaps stronger than the human soul itself. -Mark Helprin, Memoir from Antproof Case, 1995
• This coffee falls into your stomach, and straightway there is a general commotion. Ideas begin to move like the battalions of the Grand Army of the battlefield, and the battle takes place. Things remembered arrive at full gallop, ensuing to the wind. The light cavalry of comparisons deliver a magnificent deploying charge, the artillery of logic hurry up with their train and ammunition, the shafts of with start up like sharpshooters. Similes arise, the paper is covered with ink; for the struggle commences and is concluded with torrents of black water, just as a battle with powder. – Honore de Balzac, “The Pleasures and Pains of Coffee”
• When we drink coffee, ideas march in like the army – Honore de Balzac

Some Sources: Quoteland, QuoteGarden, Wikiquote.

#15 Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.

#14 Take your hands off the car, and I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.

#13 If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.

#12 Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn’t know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun.

#11 So you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?

#10 Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?

#9 Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.

#8 The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?

#7 Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey doo.

#6 Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.

#5 In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.

#4 Just how big were those two beers?

#3 No sir we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.

#2 I’m glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail.

#1 You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? … You’re right, we don’t. … Sign here.

Lady Astor: “Winston, if I were your wife I’d put poison in your coffee.”
Winston: “Nancy, if I were your husband I’d drink it.”

The quote is apparently authentic, and came after days of prolonged arguments between Lady Astor and Churchill.