The driver said, “No, no problem. Have at it, Mr. Graham.” Billy gets into the driver’s seat and they head off down the highway.

A few miles away sat a rookie state trooper operating his first speed trap, and the long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo. He got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver’s door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.

He told the supervisor, “I know we are supposed to enforce the law… but I also know that important people are sometimes given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.”

The supervisor asked, “Is it the governor?”

The young trooper said, “No, he’s more important than that.”

The supervisor said, “Oh, so it’s the president.”

The young trooper said, “No, he’s even more important than that.”

The supervisor finally asked, “Well then, who is it?”

The young trooper said, “I think it’s Jesus, because he’s got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!”

So they match the refrigerator and the oven.

Finally, they see General Rudolph walking by, and the woman calls him over to settle the dispute.

The general says it’s definitely rain, but the man doesn’t believe him.

Sighing, his wife tells him, “Dear, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

Why would she need one? There’s a clock on the stove.

The professor started the class by telling them, “In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.”

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

“Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life’s tough, it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.”

Well, the poor little guy starts crying.

“Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time,” the biker says. “I didn’t think you’d cry. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy between sobs. “I can’t do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison.”

When the grandson died, he left four children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great grandchildren, 10 great-great grandchildren, and a 50 X 80 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

The pirate raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean? I feel fine.”

“Um, what about the wooden leg? As I recall, you didn’t have that last time you were here.”

The pirate nodded, “Oh, yeah. Well, we were in a raging battle at sea and a cannon blasted part of my leg off, but I’m fine now.”

“Well… alright, but still, you look awful. What about the hook — what happened to your hand?”

“As we boarded ship during another battle it was cut off in a wild sword fight. Afterwards I had it fitted with a hook, so I’m fine. Really.”

Still unsatisfied, the bartender motioned towards his patron’s face. “What about the eye patch?”

“Oh, that. One day we were at sea and it was a beautiful sunny day. A flock of gulls flew over. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye.”

After a moment, the bartender stammered, “Hold on. You can’t lose an eye just from bird crap.”

“Normally, not. But it was my first day with the hook.”

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements here with the ‘Three Kick Rule.’”

The lawyer sighed. “Okay, what is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”

The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on, back and forth until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot square in the lawyer’s groin, dropping him to his knees.

His second kick, this time in the gut, sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.”

“No,” he replied. “How could he, with just two worms?”