A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature.

Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking down at two spiders mating.

“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked. “They’re mating,” her father replied.

“What do you call the spider on top?” she asked. “That’s a Daddy Longlegs,” her father answered.

“So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?” the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, “No dear; both of them are Daddy Longlegs.”

The little girl—looking a little puzzled—thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying “Well, we’re not having any of that brokeback mountain crap in our garden.”

Brings a tear to your eye… doesn’t it?

I received this in email, and it was titled Idiot Sightings. However, as that’s not very charitable, let’s just call them Sightings, and you can decide how you want to characterize them.

I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a “large” enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, “Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.” I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, “NO, it’s not. Four is larger than two.” We haven’t used Sears repair since.

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.” From Kingman, KS

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg. Another from Kansas City, KS

My nephew jokingly asked a worker in the local Burger King if they accepted Hawaiian money. He said, “No, only American.” True story! Lynchburg, VA

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask” Happened in Birmingham, AL.

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?!” She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS.

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker – she was leaving the company due to “downsizing” Our manager commented cheerfully, “This is fun. We should do this more often.” Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs’ office no less.

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “its open! His reply, “I know – I already got that side.” This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS.

The waiter says, “Sure chief, coming right up.” He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter every where, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “Want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Whoa, Tonto! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”

The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”

“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”

“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.” The Chief again ordered his people to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again.

“Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”

“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”

“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.”

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
10. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Management Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had eight people rowing and one person steering, while the American team had eight people steering and one person rowing.

So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of money. After six months of hard work, they advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. So the American Team acted: To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to four steering supervisors, three area steering superintendents and one assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the one person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. Even new paddles and medical benefit incentives were promised for a winner. We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses for a job well done.

The young girl of the house, by way of punishment for some minor misdemeanor, was compelled to eat her dinner alone at a little table in a corner of the dining room. The rest of the family paid no attention to her presence until they heard her audibly praying over her repast: “I thank thee, Lord, for preparing a table before me in the presence of mine enemies.”

After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barbershop, which was owned by the pastor of the town’s Baptist Church.

The barber’s wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water, and said, “That will be $40.”

The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work.

The next morning the man looked in the mirror, and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barbershop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don’t need to get a shave every day. The next morning, the man’s face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barbershop.

“I thought $40 was high for a shave”, he told the barber’s wife, “but you must have done a great job. It’s been two weeks and my whiskers still haven’t started growing back.”

“You were shaved by Grace,” she replied, smiling. “Once shaved, always shaved.”

–
This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) Staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children’s absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children’s failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school:

“Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:

“To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1

“To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2

“To complain about what we do – Press 3

“To swear at staff members – Press 4

“To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you – Press 5

“If you want us to raise your child – Press 6

“If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone – Press 7

“To request another teacher for the third time this year- Press 8

“To complain about bus transportation – Press 9

“To complain about school lunches – Press 0

“If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of effort:

Hang up and have a nice day!”

If you can read this thank a teacher.

If you are reading it in English thank a veteran.